Off to a good start

Yesterday I cut my blog a little short, but my daughter suggested we watch a scary movie together. Since I am usually persona non grata in her eyes these days I jumped at the chance. Due to her love of all things scary, I knew it would not be the last time I jumped. We settled in and watched The Invisable. I was relieved it was more thriller than horror, and was glad for our time together.

I began describing one part of my miracle morning, affirmations. The five I choose to memorize are:

I am forgiven and I will not be tormented by my past errors. 1 John 5:4

I am healed and sickness will not lord over my body. 1 Peter 2:24

I do not worry about everyday life. God knows my needs and meets them because I make His Kingdom my primary concern. Matthew 6:25

I forgive those whom I have anything against so that my prayers are not hindered. Mark 11:25

The Holy Spirit is my helper; I am never alone and I have the peace of God. Philippians 4:7

This ought to give me a good start.

Five out of six parts should be easy to incorporate. Prayer, reading my Bible, affirmations, visualizing, and writing. In fact these five can all be done in a half hour. It's the exercising and meal planning that will be the most challenging. For me it always has been.

The most important part of my success is taking some time each week to plan and prepare. It took me about three hours yesterday to cook, measure, chop and pack meals for the week. There is plenty of food, so no risk of starving. There is also plenty of variety, including carbs. But carbs are only consumed during the first three of the five meals. I bought some gluten free pretzels and one loaf of gluten free bread. As I transition I won't need these, but did not want to stop cold turkey.

Today is a day off from work for me so there is a little more flexibility in getting all of my workouts in. And staying on task with food. So here's to success.

Stacking the deck

As this year comes to a close, and as I was taking down the Christmas ornaments, I was reminded of all of the great memories we have made as a family as represented by what we hang on our tree. Whether its Kat's 17 month old handprint from 2002, or the paper moose made from tracing Ry's hands and feet, or the plethora of Disney ornaments, I was left with the satisfying feeling of being very blessed. We were healthy and safe this year and all together. I know not every family can say that.

Like Karen, I reread some of my past posts. I discovered that I wrote a lot about starting and failing. Why did i mostly focus on the negative? I read a statistic this morning that 80 percent of self talk is negative. And negative self talk leads to negative results. I'm living proof of that. Therefore it seemed fitting that one of the songs we sung this morning was "Jesus, my only hope." One of the lines states "when satan's accusations make my poor heart afraid, I hear my King declaring Father, that debt is paid!!" I was reminded that I do not need to speak negatively. I am forgiven and am a new creature in Christ.

One of the parts of the miracle morning includes affirmations, which I admit caused me to be a little skeptical. I wondered if Christians should be using affirmations. Turns out there are a host of websites, CDs and books on the topic. One such website is written by Maurice Lindsey. His article "15 Affirmations that will change your life (if you believe)" has just the right amount of affirmations I was looking for. So I quickly bookmarked it, but not before speaking them....twice.

Choices choices choices

It's been about two weeks since I have met with the weight loss coach and I've received the breakdown of meal plan. It's been over a month since I've read the Miracle morning. Yet I haven't implemented anything constructive or helpful. I have however finished several bottles of wine, dozens of levels in Candy Crush and eaten more crap than I care to admit. So why do I choose one thing and not the other? Paul writes in Romans that what he wants to do, he does not do, but he does what he hate to do. (Romans 7:15) In other words I'm not the only one.

One thing my coach suggested was to write down my meals the night before I plan to eat them, when the ability to succeed is still present instead of confessing what I actually ate that day. He also suggested spending a few hours on the weekend cooking all of my food for the week, slicing vegetables, and fruit and cooking chicken and turkey so I can just grab and go. It is also helpful to get my exercise done early in the day. This particular suggestion falls in line with the miracle morning, which involves six things to do first thing in the morning.

Because I do not want to violate the authors copyright and because part of his practice and my spiritual beliefs are not necessarily in sync, I've made a few adjustments. My six things include prayer, listening, affirmation, Bible reading, blog writing and exercise. It should take approximately 75 minutes to complete. So waking up at 5:00 am should do it. The biggest obstacle is not waking up at 5:00.in fact I am awake most mornings by 4:30 and capable of getting up and staying up. I take the dog out and attend personal business, make a cup of coffee and by 5:00 am I've crawled back to bed to watch an hour of TV. So it shouldn't be difficult to make other choices.

I just have to choose to do it every day for the next thirty days and then I will make it a habit. This will require willpower and a really good incentive. I'm back to my goal of ten pounds per month. So, I'm choosing to start right now...and will get my exercise over with for today. Stay tuned.

My miracle morning

Honestly, the word miracle doesn't seem right, but that's what author Hal Elrod chose to describe his morning routine. I completed his book "The Miracle Morning" but have yet to implement it. Perhaps I wanted to write it down, analyze it and then, when I am really sure of what needs to be done, then get up and do it. But, as the saying goes, if you continuing doing what you've always done you will continue to get what you've always gotten.

So I'm prepared to give it a thirty day try.

Where oh where has my willpower gone?

I went to bed early last night with the goal of getting up early and beginning my new ideal morning routine and gluten free lifestyle. But when Kat woke up at 3:00 and couldn't fall back to sleep I climbed out of bed and went to lay down with her. Needless to say I didn't hear my alarm and when hers went off at 6:00 it was too late do anything but get ready to start the day.

I didn't eat gluten free either. In fact a trip to the drive thru for a bagel, chips and a sandwich and then  another sandwich for dinner made my day just wonderful. Can you hear the sarcasm? I have a very important meeting tomorrow which requires me to wear a suit. I don't fit into any that I own. Some are too big...most are too small. So I ran out at lunch to buy one. After some self loathing and overall yucky feelings, I'm calling it a night.

Gluten free?!?

I will spare you the I've found a new program, starting over, and this time I'll do it bullshit. The bottom line is I'm fat again, sad and discouraged. I've had pretty good stamina when it's come to exercising and eating well, but then I get in these three week gorge fests that undo weeks of hard work. The ten pounds that takes a month to get off goes back on in a matter of days. Then the who cares attitude sets in and then another five pounds goes on. My clothes don't fit I get sad and stop exercising until I finally muster up a day or two of sheer willpower and I'm back on track. But with another fifteen pounds to lose.

I've read the book Grain Brain and learned the dangers of gluten. In fact a month ago I went gluten free for two weeks. I felt great, slept better and was not sad at all. Then i had a large turkey panini sandwich, some chips and peppermint patties and the three week  sabotage began.

The same is true for my reading and prayer time. I haven't done squat. As we head into the Christmas season I was reminded again how important it is to be thankful for God's blessings. I know will his guidance I can finally shed this extra weight.

I am using the T25 videos and returning to my gluten free lifestyle. Lets see what I can do with this.

Day Five and Still going strong

I started a 30 day liquid fast five days ago without the fan fare and hoopla of my last fasts. But I realized that I was getting close to our family vacation and my latest pity party packed on ten pounds. Seriously, I have to take control of this. So, I purchased and began listening to a new book called The Power of Habit - Why we do what we do in life and business by Charles Duhigg. It's interesting, and I've enjoyed it. I'm hoping that a few listens through will give me some new motivation.

I've downloaded a new half marathon training program and will try to conquor Disney on my own later this year. Meanwhile, K ran her 3rd 5k today. She did great and stuck with her friend the whole way. I was so proud of them. I promised her that she could race for time on Memorial Day and that I would train seriously so that I could keep up with her. So, I have to start pushing myself. I used this first week to address the food - eliminate the sugar, gluten and dairy before I start with the exercise. Tomorrow I start with my running program. I'm looking forward to seriously training again.

I had a chance today to read all of the blog posts by Karen that I had missed. I always enjoy hearing how things are going and reading the useful information she gleans from books. But, one such post really hurt my feelings.

It wasn't hearing about the illnesses. Certainly "bugs" had visited their home and had everyone under the weather, which makes me sad and hope all are feeling much better, but sickness visits all of us from time to time, and as my grandmother said "this too shall pass." It's not the go-to comfort food that she has dabbled in, which I know all too well. It was the rude lady who stole all the spots for the special day for her pre-schooler and friends leaving no spot for sweet Ava, and no "me" time for sweet Karen. I could think of a dozen different ways that the "person in charge" could have handled it. - Allow the woman to sign her child up, go to the end of the line and wait until all the moms who were standing in line signed their tots up before signing up the others who could not make the effort to drive there and wait too. Create a waiting list - for which Ava could have been the first in. So, while I am not surprised that Karen looked on the bright side and found a silver lining - for she is an eternal optimist - I admit I physically ached for her. And I confess a not-so-kind thought entered my head regarding that woman. But, as my mom would say "all things happen for a reason" so I trust it was meant to be.

Still I hope there is a manicure in her future. So her nails are as beautiful as she is.

Loving Liquids

I've spent the last several weeks stuck in that space between wanting to change, but not caring enough to actually do something about it.

As a result, I've sunk back into that funk where I have been seeking comfort from food and not from something more effective. My food choices have been filled with sugar, gluten, peanuts, eggs, and other artificial crap. This has created inflamation, cravings, and that overall feeling of foggy brain. This has led to grogginess, tiredness and laziness. I drink more coffee and alcohol than water, and sit more than I move. Anyone skeptic that still doubts that we are what we eat, is clearly out of touch.

So, what to do about it? The obvious answer is eat better, drink more water, exercise more and get right with God. So, why I haven't I done that? Great question, I wish I had an answer.

I've been using my driving time to listen to Zig Ziglar and some of his best lectures. He's an inspirational Christian and motivational speaker. He has often said you don't have to be great to start, but you must start to be great. It's a great time to get back to basics.

I've spent the morning looking at old photos from our trips to Disney, specifically the trip with my parents, brothers and the cousins. I recall how crappy I felt when I realized that I may not be under the weigh limit for one of the best rides in the parks. So I was not disappointed when the line was too long for us to try. Other rides had specific seats for larger riders, and I remember the embarassment having to ask to sit there. So, I vowed that I would get the weight off by the next trip. Well, I haven't. So, now I'm within several weeks of another chance, and I cannot get out of my own way to reach that goal.

I once heard an adage by Robert Mckee that "for the talented writer, the story is already written; his job is to get out of its way." Could I apply that same logic to this journey?

Since the trip is still a surprise to the kids, I will set myself a 60 day goal and then set a new one after that, until we actually leave. Since I personally feel better on a more liquid diet, I will set a goal of 120 smoothies, 30 soups, and 30 meals, and 60 snacks. 

The good news is that the first smoothie is done.

Cough, cough, cough

They say you never know what someone goes through until you walk a mile in their shoes (or something like that). In the weeks leading up to the marathon, everyone in the family was sick with a cough but me. As they hacked and coughed away, I encouraged all of them to go to bed early, drink lots of fluids, spit the yucky stuff out, drink warm tea with honey, and other suggestions to ease their pain and reduce my frustration. Some listened, others did not. So, as the weeks passed, they continued to hack and cough. All three ended up on some type of antibiotic or inhaler. Then, the Tuesday following the marathon, I started coughing, and have continued to do so despite all my rest, my hundreds of ounces of fluids, my tea and honey and medicine. I still can't take a deep breath before coughing continuously. I have tried walking, but the frigid air just makes things worse. And I have a constant headache from it all. In fact, as soon as I open my eyes, I don't dare move a muscle lest my body realizes "hey, she's awake . . . cough, cough, cough." Another downside is that I have learned to live like a bulemic. Not intentionally, of course. The only upside is that I'm down ten pounds in ten days and have chosen my food and drink wisely. I'm behind on my exercise and reading and am coping with the fatigue. It will be nice to start feeling normal again.

I still need to start my three week fast. I probably should have done so while I was sick, but I want to make an effort to fast spiritually too. And I had no energy to read or write. So I have been asking myself, is it okay to give in and rest?

God designed one day a week to be a day of rest - one day - EVERY week. Yet, most of us don't rest completely. We save those household projects for the weekend, the errands to get done when there is another parent to watch the kids, and then there is the prep work for the week ahead, chopping fruit and vegetables and meal planning. Who has time to rest? For some, the day of rest begins at sundown on one day and continues until the sun sets the following day. This actually makes the most sense to me. So I have been trying to convince myself to get a few more loads of laundry done, THEN I can rest, but can't get past the "but, I'm tired now." So, I'm choosing to rest, right here, right now. And hopefully, can keep some food down and try to go five minutes without coughing.

A glimpse into the future

As I mentioned, I've been sick all week. The kind of sick where you crawl into bed as early as possible, and pray you can sleep all night. While I was able to get quite a bit of sleep, each night brought night sweats like I've never experienced before. My bed has never been changed as much as it has this week. I haven't been hungry, and I have consumed mostly liquids for the last several days. The benefit is ten pounds lost. Now I know its water weight, and I'm sure it will come back on the moment I eat a cracker, but I have enjoyed the extra room in my clothes.

I'm also glad to have the pressure of the race behind me. I haven't cried yet over the failure to finish, but I'm sure that will all come out at some point. This past weekend, we stocked up on a bunch of things from a well know "Bulk" store. Since, we didn't purchase any produce or other healthy food choices, I volunteered to go to the grocery store after dropping everyone else off at home. It was nice to get out for some fresh air, and to walk slowly through the store. Who am I kidding, I'm only able to walk slowly, the fatigue it awful.

I bought a pre-cooked chicken - it smelled so good - and brought it home for dinner, only to discover that everyone ate dinner without me. No phone call, no text, no notice. When I expressed my shock and displeasure, no one said anything, and they just went upstairs. No apology, no offer to sit with me while I ate, nothing. That's when the pity party began. My passive aggressiveness kicked in and I refused to go upstairs. Instead, I did laundry, cleaned out the cupboards of old expired food, and drank water, lots of water. Then I went to bed. Today I don't feel any better.

As sad and lonely as I felt, it was a good reminder that I had done the same thing to God. All my plans, all my intentions, all of it was insufficient, because I failed to spend time with Him. I'm grateful that that tough and personal reminder.

Marathon recap

It's been a week since the marathon, and I have been sick with a bad cold. Like many colds, it started with a sore throat, and cough. It continued with a stuffy/runny nose and a cough. And it's erupted into full blown fatigue and a cough. Oh the fatigue and the coughing.

As a recap on the marathon, I had registered for the full marathon months ago. My family and I also registered for the family 5k on Friday. As you know, after the fiasco in Vegas, I was having serious doubts about 26.2, but the half marathon was already full. My friend signed up for the half marathon, but did not intend to run. So, I planned on taking her spot. When I went to a Run Disney Relations person on Thursday to insert my name for hers, they said I couldn't do it. We asked what would happen if I just put her bib on and ran anyway, they said that they discourage that for a variety of safety reasons. Besides, everything I did would appear as her. Since impersonating her is akin to cheating, which I did not want to do, I decided to run the marathon.

I hydrated really well on Saturday, and chose food wisely. While I went to bed by 9:00 pm, I was still tossing and turning at midnight. My alarm was set for 3:00 a.m. I was in the car by 3:30 and in the corral by 4:30 a.m.. My corral (second from the last) started running around 6:10. The first mile went great - and then I needed a bathroom. Long lines made it a 4 minute stop, which meant that when I was back on the road, I was running with the last corral. So any head start I had was lost. My first 5 miles I averaged a 16:06 mile per minute pace. The second 5 miles was a 16:10 mile per minute pace. I was starting to get tired, and the sun was up and it was hot and beginning to get humid. Part of the race route was around the Disney Speedway. As I was exiting the speedway, the first buses were sweeping people as they entered the speedway. At that point, I set a goal:

 

I had trained for a half, I was going to complete a half - and run long enough to see my family (just before mile 14). Anything after that, I was okay with.

I completed the half at 3:29 - 4 minutes faster than Vegas and 6 minutes slower than Salem. I saw my family, and then hunkered down for the worst stretch of the race. As we exited Animal Kingdom, I knew from last year's route that it was a three mile slow incline up the highway. The sun was up and it was scorching. By mile 17, I could not run any more. I was starting to get really tired and my fingers were tingling and swollen. I was 20 seconds behind pace. For the next three miles, the bike pacers were circling like sharks. I was able to eat a banana and some gu and felt a little better, but then by mile 20 I was 3 minutes behind the pace and was told that there was a hard sweep at mile 21. I tried to make up time, but couldn't. So, the bus of shame picked me up then. My final time was 5:51 for 21 miles, which is less than 17 minute miles, and I was picked up at the foot of the hill where it is know that if you can make it into Hollywood, you can't get swept.

I had a bunch of emotions.

Proud I was able to go 21 miles - since that was the longest I have ever run.

Regret I wasn't thinner, couldn't go faster, or hadn't pushed for a better corral.

Shame for getting picked up.

Grateful, I could stop running - because I was tired and physically and mentally ready to stop.

So thankful that I didn't get injured. I had a small blister under my left big toe, which I think opened around mile 20, but is feeling better now. I thought I hydrated well and fueled well during the race. I saw some runners who had to be carried away in ambulances and others who looked really bad in the medical tents. I was able to swim after with my kids and then shower and go walking through Epcot that night. I don't know what i would have risked if I pushed harder during the race.

Glad I met my personal goal of completing 13.1 and that I saw my family and that they saw me.

Pleased that I raced my own race, and not as someone else.

Disappointed the weather was so hot and humid.

And I critiqued all my little choices during the race - should I have used that bathroom at mile one rather than wait? Should I have posed for that photo? Should I have started running 2/1 sooner?

In the end - I learned a lot and I'm grateful that I ran the marathon. The medal is amazing, and while I feel like a poser having it, I still feel like I earned it.

 

Now I need to hunker down and get this weight off.

Will this year be different?

While blogging is fairly new, I have been journaling for years. Each New Year's Day, I review past journals. There is a consistent pattern - each year I begin with high hopes that this year will be the year the weight comes off. Each year I am inevitably disappointed. Some years there are successes, some years there aren't. So I ask again . . . will this year be different?

I have been getting up very early, and yesterday (New Year's Eve) was an early morning - 4:30 a.m.. So, by 8:30 last night I was tired and went to bed. I was reminded that the body gets its best sleep between 10:00 p.m. and 1:00 a.m., but only if you are asleep by then. I was and woke up very refreshed.... at 4:30 a.m.. Part of me is sad I missed the ball dropping and kissing my little ones at midnight, but if I don't take back my health, I won't be here at all.

This morning as I enjoyed my coffee, I watched a couple documentaries about four folks who underwent gastric bypass surgery in 2004, and how they have changed over the years. All of these folks began their journey at over 600 pounds. I learned that all of them suffered from some of the same underlying issues I struggle with - emotional eating. Until I get to the root of that issue, I'll continue to struggle with food.

Last night I chatted with Karen. I know I said at least a few times... "when the race is over, then I'll . . . " This morning, I decided that I don't have to wait until the race is over. I can choose my exercise program now and then on race day - just race - and then continue on with the program. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm going back to old school P90X between now and Easter - which is only 90 days away. I'll break down my goals into 5 day increments. I commit to the following;

 - Blog at least 1x every five days
 - Read at least one book of the Bible every five days
 - Exercise 3x every five days
 - Staying on track with my eating plan

Although, Karen, if you want to shoot me an e-mail with Mike's first two-week plan, I would love to read about it. 

Hoping that 2013 is the year!!