Loving Liquids

I've spent the last several weeks stuck in that space between wanting to change, but not caring enough to actually do something about it.

As a result, I've sunk back into that funk where I have been seeking comfort from food and not from something more effective. My food choices have been filled with sugar, gluten, peanuts, eggs, and other artificial crap. This has created inflamation, cravings, and that overall feeling of foggy brain. This has led to grogginess, tiredness and laziness. I drink more coffee and alcohol than water, and sit more than I move. Anyone skeptic that still doubts that we are what we eat, is clearly out of touch.

So, what to do about it? The obvious answer is eat better, drink more water, exercise more and get right with God. So, why I haven't I done that? Great question, I wish I had an answer.

I've been using my driving time to listen to Zig Ziglar and some of his best lectures. He's an inspirational Christian and motivational speaker. He has often said you don't have to be great to start, but you must start to be great. It's a great time to get back to basics.

I've spent the morning looking at old photos from our trips to Disney, specifically the trip with my parents, brothers and the cousins. I recall how crappy I felt when I realized that I may not be under the weigh limit for one of the best rides in the parks. So I was not disappointed when the line was too long for us to try. Other rides had specific seats for larger riders, and I remember the embarassment having to ask to sit there. So, I vowed that I would get the weight off by the next trip. Well, I haven't. So, now I'm within several weeks of another chance, and I cannot get out of my own way to reach that goal.

I once heard an adage by Robert Mckee that "for the talented writer, the story is already written; his job is to get out of its way." Could I apply that same logic to this journey?

Since the trip is still a surprise to the kids, I will set myself a 60 day goal and then set a new one after that, until we actually leave. Since I personally feel better on a more liquid diet, I will set a goal of 120 smoothies, 30 soups, and 30 meals, and 60 snacks. 

The good news is that the first smoothie is done.

Cough, cough, cough

They say you never know what someone goes through until you walk a mile in their shoes (or something like that). In the weeks leading up to the marathon, everyone in the family was sick with a cough but me. As they hacked and coughed away, I encouraged all of them to go to bed early, drink lots of fluids, spit the yucky stuff out, drink warm tea with honey, and other suggestions to ease their pain and reduce my frustration. Some listened, others did not. So, as the weeks passed, they continued to hack and cough. All three ended up on some type of antibiotic or inhaler. Then, the Tuesday following the marathon, I started coughing, and have continued to do so despite all my rest, my hundreds of ounces of fluids, my tea and honey and medicine. I still can't take a deep breath before coughing continuously. I have tried walking, but the frigid air just makes things worse. And I have a constant headache from it all. In fact, as soon as I open my eyes, I don't dare move a muscle lest my body realizes "hey, she's awake . . . cough, cough, cough." Another downside is that I have learned to live like a bulemic. Not intentionally, of course. The only upside is that I'm down ten pounds in ten days and have chosen my food and drink wisely. I'm behind on my exercise and reading and am coping with the fatigue. It will be nice to start feeling normal again.

I still need to start my three week fast. I probably should have done so while I was sick, but I want to make an effort to fast spiritually too. And I had no energy to read or write. So I have been asking myself, is it okay to give in and rest?

God designed one day a week to be a day of rest - one day - EVERY week. Yet, most of us don't rest completely. We save those household projects for the weekend, the errands to get done when there is another parent to watch the kids, and then there is the prep work for the week ahead, chopping fruit and vegetables and meal planning. Who has time to rest? For some, the day of rest begins at sundown on one day and continues until the sun sets the following day. This actually makes the most sense to me. So I have been trying to convince myself to get a few more loads of laundry done, THEN I can rest, but can't get past the "but, I'm tired now." So, I'm choosing to rest, right here, right now. And hopefully, can keep some food down and try to go five minutes without coughing.

A glimpse into the future

As I mentioned, I've been sick all week. The kind of sick where you crawl into bed as early as possible, and pray you can sleep all night. While I was able to get quite a bit of sleep, each night brought night sweats like I've never experienced before. My bed has never been changed as much as it has this week. I haven't been hungry, and I have consumed mostly liquids for the last several days. The benefit is ten pounds lost. Now I know its water weight, and I'm sure it will come back on the moment I eat a cracker, but I have enjoyed the extra room in my clothes.

I'm also glad to have the pressure of the race behind me. I haven't cried yet over the failure to finish, but I'm sure that will all come out at some point. This past weekend, we stocked up on a bunch of things from a well know "Bulk" store. Since, we didn't purchase any produce or other healthy food choices, I volunteered to go to the grocery store after dropping everyone else off at home. It was nice to get out for some fresh air, and to walk slowly through the store. Who am I kidding, I'm only able to walk slowly, the fatigue it awful.

I bought a pre-cooked chicken - it smelled so good - and brought it home for dinner, only to discover that everyone ate dinner without me. No phone call, no text, no notice. When I expressed my shock and displeasure, no one said anything, and they just went upstairs. No apology, no offer to sit with me while I ate, nothing. That's when the pity party began. My passive aggressiveness kicked in and I refused to go upstairs. Instead, I did laundry, cleaned out the cupboards of old expired food, and drank water, lots of water. Then I went to bed. Today I don't feel any better.

As sad and lonely as I felt, it was a good reminder that I had done the same thing to God. All my plans, all my intentions, all of it was insufficient, because I failed to spend time with Him. I'm grateful that that tough and personal reminder.

Marathon recap

It's been a week since the marathon, and I have been sick with a bad cold. Like many colds, it started with a sore throat, and cough. It continued with a stuffy/runny nose and a cough. And it's erupted into full blown fatigue and a cough. Oh the fatigue and the coughing.

As a recap on the marathon, I had registered for the full marathon months ago. My family and I also registered for the family 5k on Friday. As you know, after the fiasco in Vegas, I was having serious doubts about 26.2, but the half marathon was already full. My friend signed up for the half marathon, but did not intend to run. So, I planned on taking her spot. When I went to a Run Disney Relations person on Thursday to insert my name for hers, they said I couldn't do it. We asked what would happen if I just put her bib on and ran anyway, they said that they discourage that for a variety of safety reasons. Besides, everything I did would appear as her. Since impersonating her is akin to cheating, which I did not want to do, I decided to run the marathon.

I hydrated really well on Saturday, and chose food wisely. While I went to bed by 9:00 pm, I was still tossing and turning at midnight. My alarm was set for 3:00 a.m. I was in the car by 3:30 and in the corral by 4:30 a.m.. My corral (second from the last) started running around 6:10. The first mile went great - and then I needed a bathroom. Long lines made it a 4 minute stop, which meant that when I was back on the road, I was running with the last corral. So any head start I had was lost. My first 5 miles I averaged a 16:06 mile per minute pace. The second 5 miles was a 16:10 mile per minute pace. I was starting to get tired, and the sun was up and it was hot and beginning to get humid. Part of the race route was around the Disney Speedway. As I was exiting the speedway, the first buses were sweeping people as they entered the speedway. At that point, I set a goal:

 

I had trained for a half, I was going to complete a half - and run long enough to see my family (just before mile 14). Anything after that, I was okay with.

I completed the half at 3:29 - 4 minutes faster than Vegas and 6 minutes slower than Salem. I saw my family, and then hunkered down for the worst stretch of the race. As we exited Animal Kingdom, I knew from last year's route that it was a three mile slow incline up the highway. The sun was up and it was scorching. By mile 17, I could not run any more. I was starting to get really tired and my fingers were tingling and swollen. I was 20 seconds behind pace. For the next three miles, the bike pacers were circling like sharks. I was able to eat a banana and some gu and felt a little better, but then by mile 20 I was 3 minutes behind the pace and was told that there was a hard sweep at mile 21. I tried to make up time, but couldn't. So, the bus of shame picked me up then. My final time was 5:51 for 21 miles, which is less than 17 minute miles, and I was picked up at the foot of the hill where it is know that if you can make it into Hollywood, you can't get swept.

I had a bunch of emotions.

Proud I was able to go 21 miles - since that was the longest I have ever run.

Regret I wasn't thinner, couldn't go faster, or hadn't pushed for a better corral.

Shame for getting picked up.

Grateful, I could stop running - because I was tired and physically and mentally ready to stop.

So thankful that I didn't get injured. I had a small blister under my left big toe, which I think opened around mile 20, but is feeling better now. I thought I hydrated well and fueled well during the race. I saw some runners who had to be carried away in ambulances and others who looked really bad in the medical tents. I was able to swim after with my kids and then shower and go walking through Epcot that night. I don't know what i would have risked if I pushed harder during the race.

Glad I met my personal goal of completing 13.1 and that I saw my family and that they saw me.

Pleased that I raced my own race, and not as someone else.

Disappointed the weather was so hot and humid.

And I critiqued all my little choices during the race - should I have used that bathroom at mile one rather than wait? Should I have posed for that photo? Should I have started running 2/1 sooner?

In the end - I learned a lot and I'm grateful that I ran the marathon. The medal is amazing, and while I feel like a poser having it, I still feel like I earned it.

 

Now I need to hunker down and get this weight off.

Will this year be different?

While blogging is fairly new, I have been journaling for years. Each New Year's Day, I review past journals. There is a consistent pattern - each year I begin with high hopes that this year will be the year the weight comes off. Each year I am inevitably disappointed. Some years there are successes, some years there aren't. So I ask again . . . will this year be different?

I have been getting up very early, and yesterday (New Year's Eve) was an early morning - 4:30 a.m.. So, by 8:30 last night I was tired and went to bed. I was reminded that the body gets its best sleep between 10:00 p.m. and 1:00 a.m., but only if you are asleep by then. I was and woke up very refreshed.... at 4:30 a.m.. Part of me is sad I missed the ball dropping and kissing my little ones at midnight, but if I don't take back my health, I won't be here at all.

This morning as I enjoyed my coffee, I watched a couple documentaries about four folks who underwent gastric bypass surgery in 2004, and how they have changed over the years. All of these folks began their journey at over 600 pounds. I learned that all of them suffered from some of the same underlying issues I struggle with - emotional eating. Until I get to the root of that issue, I'll continue to struggle with food.

Last night I chatted with Karen. I know I said at least a few times... "when the race is over, then I'll . . . " This morning, I decided that I don't have to wait until the race is over. I can choose my exercise program now and then on race day - just race - and then continue on with the program. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm going back to old school P90X between now and Easter - which is only 90 days away. I'll break down my goals into 5 day increments. I commit to the following;

 - Blog at least 1x every five days
 - Read at least one book of the Bible every five days
 - Exercise 3x every five days
 - Staying on track with my eating plan

Although, Karen, if you want to shoot me an e-mail with Mike's first two-week plan, I would love to read about it. 

Hoping that 2013 is the year!!

A Fresh Start

These past six weeks have flown by in a blur. I had applied for a job that I have wanted for more than a decade. Now don't get me wrong, I would not trade these past twelve years I have had home with the kids for anything, but I haven't been home exclusively. I have run my own business for more than a decade. There have been some definite pluses, autonomy, flexibility, and pride. But there are also drawbacks, financial uncertainty and no benefits are two. So, when this opportunity popped up, I jumped at it. To my surprise I was offered the job, with less than 10 days to close down my practice. Many late nights and early mornings later, my last project was done, and I began a new professional chapter.

Unfortunately, my training plan went out the window. And as a result, I had a really crappy half marathon in Vegas. Suffice it to say, the full marathon seems impossible. So when the opportunity came up to run the half, I took it. Part of me is sad that I will forfeit the Mickey medal, but my health and safety come first. It will be great to concentrate on losing weight and reading the word without the pressure of the race. So stay tuned.

Filling in the Blanks

A week ago I finished up a large work project just in time for Hurricane Sandy to hit. I was concerned that I would have to drive it up to the courthouse, which was located ninety minutes away. Before getting in the car, however, I placed a call to the clerk of the court. He allowed me to e-mail it up and overnight the package by mail. What a welcome relief.

I also had a small project to complete that morning - in addition to finishing the laundry and putting dinner in the crock pot. By 4:00 p.m., we were ready for the power outage that never came. I am not complaining. Because our neighborhood gets very dark, all of the wind and nearby trees, it was a frightening night. I was glad I had Michael Westen to keep me company. I had recorded a full season of Burn Notice - my new guilty pleasure. With school cancelled the next morning, I didn't matter that I was awake most of the night.

This past week, I also wrote and submitted my chapter for a book contest. It is a serial book that will be posted on a blog starting in early December. There are seven authors, and one open guest author spot that will contribute to the Christmas story. I hope to be that eighth author.

After the high of completing the large work project, and high of a new fun writing project, my eating and exercise grew old and boring. I managed to keep up with the bare minimum, and even indulged in some candy and vino.

For Halloween, we went to a large neighborhood in town. Our own neighborhood hayride did not occur and most of the kids all trucked across town to see what the deal was with mass trick-or-treating. For the first time, I allowed Kat to go off on her own with some friends, who lived in that neighborhood. She had her phone and they had to text every fifteen houses. She proved herself to be very responsible and had fun being grown up.

Ry, on the other hand, was not comfortable in a new neighborhood. Whether it was because he was not invited to trick-or-treat with friends, or just was not into something different, he sat on the steps of our friend's house with us ladies and watched the trick-or-treaters. We encouraged him to go, but he was having none of it. In the end, we bought him his own 10 pack of kit kat bars, and called it even. We did not force K to share her candy - she earned it and should keep it. But, as a kind sister, she did toss him a few treats. I was proud of her.

This past weekend was Kat's soccer tournament. They placed second in their division and had to face the third place team.

Kat plays fullback - and is a solid defender. I can count on one hand the number of times she has played offense, and has never scored a goal. While she is a silent and dependable player, the spotlight is rarely on her. She is also the kind of kid that does not show fear or nerves. She watches horror movies, reads scary books and rarely jumps. She is at all times on and off the soccer field cool as a cucumber.

After a full game and two overtime periods, the score was still 0-0. So we all headed down the hill for penalty kicks. My folks drove out to watch her, and Kat shouted out "I'm taking one."

I must confess, that I have played the scenario of Kat kicking a penalty kick (PK) in my head dozens of times. Each time imagining that she is the fifth person to take the shot. Each team shoots five shots. Since she is usually so calm, I could picture the coach making her the anchor. So, when I heard she was taking a PK, I knew they would make her shot five. And she was.

I prayed for her to be calm, have peace regardless of the outcome but, I also prayed that she make her shot. Our first player missed, the other team made their shot. The next three girls for each side scored. Kat stepped up to take her shot. We were behind 3 goals to 4. The pressure was all on her. Hit it, each team picks another player in sudden death. Miss it and we go home. As team photographer, I focused the camera on her, and never moved. She watched the ref waiting for her to blow the whistle giving her the green light to shoot. She ran up to the ball and kicked. Through the camera I saw her hands shoot up and in the background saw her team jumping in the air. YES!! She made it.

The other team missed their shot, and we went into sudden death. I'll spare the drama and say we won the shootout and advanced to the finals today. Unfortunatley, we lost 2-1. I was not bothered by the loss, it was a close game and the girls played well. I'll always be happy that she had that opportunity and that she succeeded. I'm super proud of her!!