Day 16 - Taming the Tongue

Day 16 - Today was eye opening for me.

A few years ago - 2009 - I lost a lot of weight - about sixty pounds. I did it out of vanity because I wanted to look good at my high school reunion. Then, in 2010, Mark had shoulder surgery. I was kind for about a week. Then resentment and bitterness sunk in. I resented having to perform tasks and chores I believed he was still capable of doing. I resented that although he had plenty of sick time, he returned to work quickly and would not do more for me. I became bitter at having to drive him to and from therapy. I was bitter that I had to disrupt my life and schedule for him. I was bitter because when I was helpless five years earlier wrestling with fear and anxiety, he did not help me. I was selfish. I was angry. In the past I would have gossipped about him and complained. This time I stayed silent. I ate. I sat. I read books. I gained weight - 70 pounds. A year later, all of my hard work from 2009 was gone. All of the money I spent getting there, wasted. And my marriage was again hanging by a thread.

In my reading, scripture talks about Jacob wrestling with God. One night, after he sent is wives, children, and possessions ahead, he stayed behind - alone - and wrestled with a man all night. In the end, the man blessed him, but also wretched his hip. I walked with a limp after that. Jesus also verbally sparred with the Pharisees. When they accused Him of driving out demons by the help of another demon, he proclaimed that "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand." Matthew 12:25. In 2010, I allowed myself to divide our household. Later that year, we attended FamilyLife's Weekend to Remember. We volunteer with that organization and it was the annual weekend. That first night, I suffered a pinched nerve in my neck. It was some of the worst pain I have ever felt. Pain medication didn't even touch it. One of the women attending the conference was a massage therapist. She worked on it, applied oil to it, prayed over it, and me. I cried from months of pain - not from my pinched nerve, but because I was being crushed by my internal sin. They continued to pray all weekend, they listened, they gave advice, and I followed it. Jesus also said "for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that everyone will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every empty work they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemed." Matthew 12:34b-37. My thoughts and my words were not kind. I had to accept that there was evil in me.

In the months that followed, God healed my neck. He healed my marriage again. He showed me his mercy and his grace. As marriages around me fell over the next two years, I clung to God's promises and to my husband. I continue to see the challenges we all face because of our thoughts, our words, our selfishness. I pray that this time, I acknowledge God's plan for me - and follow it. I pray that I am delivered from my stress eating and that I can finally be free of the extra weight that I have allowed to hold me down over the last decade.

"My child, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding - indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:1-5.